Midnight Musings…

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1. Sometimes, it’s nothing you have or haven’t done that cause grief and heartache to enter into your life.
They just do.

2. There will always be some things in life that you will never find answers for, and you will drive yourself crazy trying to figure them out. Learn to be satisfied with not knowing everything.

3. Trying to work out the intentions and motivations behind other people’s words and actions is virtually impossible and turns out to be a massive drain on both time and energy.

4. One of the hardest things in life is pushing through depression and continuing to put one foot in front of the other when all you want to do is curl up into a tiny ball under the covers and cry.

5. You can preach autism awareness until you’re blue in the face but there will always, ALWAYS be those who will never ‘get it’ , those who REFUSE to ‘get it’ and sadly – a group of people who just don’t give a crap and you’ll never ever change them no matter what you say or do.

Making peace with this last group of people is vital for moving on and making progress. Cutting toxic people out of my life seemed harsh at first, but you can’t grow beautiful flowers in polluted, murky water.

And a bonus point:

6. Writing out my inner most thoughts at midnight may not turn out to be my best ever idea  😀

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Winning The Race..

marathonI originally wrote this is a post on my Facebook Page and decided to post it here as well so that I could find it at a later date if I ever wanted to read it again .

While I was away, I spent some time with a lady who pretty much helped raise me. She is my Mum’s best friend and her husband went to school with my Dad so we all go back a VERY long way. She has known me my entire life and has always put REALLY good things into my life.

Well anyway, last week, I sat opposite her in a beautiful cafe having afternoon tea which turned into dinner, on the water one night – just the two of us – and we talked and talked and talked about EVERYTHING and nothing. We laughed, we joked and I cried.

I cried a LOT!

I sobbed about decisions that I’ve made recently, I expressed regret at pushing certain people out of my life and also lamented keeping some others in longer than I should have. I worried aloud that I was screwing my kids up and told her how much I hated myself for becoming a yelling, emotional, basket case of a mother. I told her that I didn’t know who I was anymore and wished I could go back about 12 months in time to have a do-over.

And she continued to listen without judgment and allowed me to get it all out.

I cried a LOT more still, and then after I’d sobbed my heart out to her she offered me an extremely sound piece of advice that I took away with me and have been drawing on it almost every day since.

She said:

“Fiona, we are all running our own race. Some of us cruise along at an even pace and appear to be taking everything in our stride while others, like you, feel as though they are constantly running uphill in the wrong direction all the while struggling for breath and wondering if you’ll even make it out alive. And that’s sometimes just our own perception because the reality is that everyone struggles. But sometimes your race may actually BE tougher and more gruelling than other peoples but that’s only ever going to be a seasonal thing.

But the beauty of having our own individual race is that although the finish line comes earlier for some people (we were talking about the passing of my Dad and her son), there is no-one else in YOUR race so there’s only ever going to be one winner and NO loser”.

She continued:

“The other people in your life – the ones who run alongside you – are not in the same race as you. They are running their OWN race with their own challenges and their finish line may come before or after yours but remember that you are not supposed to get the same results or finish times as those people.
Their race is not YOUR race.
You will never know when the finish line is ahead so all you can do is strap on your joggers, keep your mind and body as healthy as possible and keep running. You WILL reach the end of your race at the exact time that you’re supposed to and you will come first in your race. YOU WILL WIN because this is a race you cannot lose.”

And there you have it. Her words have helped me SO much that I just thought I’d share them here in the hope that she can touch another life like she did mine.

I am the mother…

This post was originally written 3 years ago -hence the ages of the children being younger.

  • I am the mother who sent her child to school sans his jacket on a cool spring morning and watched him shiver as he bravely walked in to school.
  • I am the mother who forgot to put her daughter’s school hat back in the car thus causing her to receive a uniform infringement.
  • (And the mother who can’t work out why a 10-year-old is not capable of doing this herself *ahem*)
  • I am the mother who fed her children cake for breakfast because she forgot to buy bread.
  • I am the mother of the 4-year-old boy who threw the tantrum of the century in the school car park this morning.
  • I am also the mother who glared at the other parents who were rubbernecking and tut-tutting at her child as she picked him up and threw him over her shoulder to keep him safe from the oncoming traffic…
  • and the mother who would do it again in a heartbeat.
  • I am the mother who survives on very little sleep and a lot of caffeine.
  • I am the mother who tries to do too much sometimes.
  • I am also the mother who sees what everyone else does for their children and fights the feelings of inadequacy that wash over her in tidal waves.
  • I am the mother who often pulls her hair out in sheer frustration because she is unable to remember a lot of important things that need to be done, due to the stress levels that are constantly rising at this time of the year.
  • I am the mother who finds more grey hairs every time she looks in the mirror.
  • I am the mother who keeps chewing gum in her glove box at all times so that she can hand them to kids who “forgot” to clean their teeth on the way to school.
  • I am the mother who rarely sorts her washing  *Gasp*
  • I am the mother who is fluent in sarcasm but knows that she shouldn’t use it as often as she does.  Especially on her children who don’t understand it.
  • I am the mother  who sometimes buys treats and hides them in the house because she is tired of sharing everything else that she owns and wants just one thing for and ONLY her.
  • I am the mother who owns 2 diaries and a calendar in the attempt to become more organised but has misplaced them all  :/
  • I am the mother with the short attention span who often really struggles to focus due to her constant sleep deprived state.
  • I am the mother who really wishes she could toughen up a bit and not get so hurt by other people’s words.
  • I am the mother who definitely thinks that exercise is overrated. Come and live in this house and try to be idle with my kids around. Not possible.
  • I am the mother who wishes that she didn’t comfort eat so often.
  • I am the mother who would rather be accused of talking too much then be the kind of person that you need to draaaaaaaaaaag a conversation out of. This is who she is. Like it or leave .
  • I am the mother who really wishes that school went until 5pm and that homework didn’t exist. She is exhausted from spending twenty minutes just trying to get her son to sit at the table and another 20 minutes convincing him to pick up the pencil!
  • I am the mother who secretly loves watching pre-school tv shows and misses them now that her baby has started school.
  • I am the mother who still cries at least once a week because she misses her Dad even though we lost him over 4 years ago.
  • I am the mother who is unable to eat just one grape. The grapes HAVE to be eaten in pairs. One on each side of the mouth. (Hmmm, wonder where Harley gets his quirks from?)
  • I am the mother who gets cranky when she’s not taken seriously. I may not have a fancy degree but I know my children better than anybody else on this earth and that should account for something…
  • I  am the mother that rearranges other people’s cutlery drawers when she visits their homes. It must go in the same order that they are laid on the table : Fork, Spoon, Knife. She doesn’t cope if they are different 🙂 And incidentally,  I am the mother who didn’t develop OCD tendencies until she was thrust in the world that is ASD and the stress that goes along with it!

However:

  • I am also the mother who would move heaven and earth just to make her children smile.
  • I am the mother who gets to witness MANY achievements and successes in her children’s lives and is finds joy in the smaller things because for us they are HUGE!
  • I am the mother who is convinced that her children will go higher and grow stronger than a lot of people give them credit for due to the handful of people that DO believe in them and their go-get- ‘em attitudes.
  • I am the mother who is thankful that God is daily giving her more and more insight into their little worlds so that she can understand them just that little bit more.
  • I am the mother who would some days like to hang up her hat and resign. Or at least have a couple of weeks paid leave. Several times a year.The mother who didn’t read the fine print before putting her hand up and volunteering to do this job BUT the mother who doesn’t walk away from somethings that she’s started until she sees it to completion.
  • I am the mother who often spends her own birthday money on her children because she wants to bless them as they bless her by just being themselves.
  • I am the mother who cannot for the life of her understand what makes her children tick but would give anything to be granted a free pass into their thought processes so she could make sure that their every need is met 100%
  • I am the mother who wants to learn to appreciate the little things.
  • I am the mother who wants to learn NOT to stress on other little things!
  • I am the mother who would take a bullet for her children.
  • Yes this mother is fiercely loyal.
  • I am the mother who often lays awake at night thinking of fun things that she can do with her children on the weekend and willing the hours to tick by so that the weekend can start.
  • I am the mother who wants to join her kids by dancing in the puddles in the rain and skip through supermarket aisles singing but is too afraid of what other people might think.
  • I am the mother who desperately craves understanding and tolerance for her children.
  • I am the mother who worries that she is not doing enough for her children, but also the mother who realises that she only has 2 hands and 24 hours in a day.
  • I am the mother who is learning to love herself just the way God loves her and the one who believes that life is good.
  • Yes. I am THAT mother :D

My children will not fly under any radars and they will not go through life feeling like failures.

 What kind of mother are you?